Of course no one likes to get a ticket.  There's nothing more discouraging than when you are late to your daughter's birthday party and you get pulled over for speeding.  Do these children not know what I risk for them?  The police officer, God love him, didn't even care that I was late.  He either has no children (that is what I told myself at the time), or more likely, was just doing his job.  Either way, I was slapped with a speeding ticket, adding insult to my tardy pie  There is that moment of getting a ticket where you know that sometime, during the next few weeks, you are going to pour 6 hours of precious American time down the toilet in what used to be called "Defensive Driving," but is now "Traffic School."  For me, that moment consists of existential despair about the futility of life, which then morphs into a cynical tirade about how police officers need to be out stopping thieves and other seedy underworld types, and finally lands nicely at an admission of my own guilt for not planning ahead.  Welcome to the adsurdity of my thought process. 

There are so many ways you can dress up a pig, but a pig is always a pig.  In the same way, Traffic School companies have tried to make their courses more palatable by offering "Comedy" traffic school, or offering the complementary (at least in Texas) lunch from Luby's Cafeteria or (insert old people eating establishment here).  But at the end of the day the principle holds: Traffic School is and always will be Traffic school, a 6 hour beating at the hands of your state and your own indescretion.  This doesn't mean it isn't helpful.  I learned a lot a couple of years ago when I attended.  But it is the kind of helpful that I would classify alongside vasectomies and colonoscopies.  Sure they are helpful, should you need one, but I'd really rather not. 

The truth is, Traffic School, beating though it is, is unavoidable if you don't want to pay more for car insurance, or if you want to keep a ticket off your record.  This being the case, we have to do it, so we might as well make the most of it.  We live in a tech saavy age, so why not take advantage of the accompanying luxuries?  I hereby direct your attention to Traffic School Online where they have been "Protecting Driving Records since 1997."  From this website you can take care of a ticket from any state by completing their online course and receiving a completion certificate in the mail.  If you are going to give away 6 hours, at least make it from home with a cup of coffee and comfortable surroundings.  Its like having a vasectomy in your own living room! 

I don't like paying for gas.  Of course, saying something like this is like my son saying he doesn't like to take a bath.  No one likes shelling out ducets for anything, let alone gas, and even more obvious, a boy of 5 hates taking baths.  But you need gas to get around in today's world, and the boy needs a bath to keep from looking like this (which ironically is from a movie all about fuel).  Both are a necessary evil.  So maybe the original statement should be amended to say this: I don't like paying for gas anymore than I have to, and it seems that I have to pay a lot more these days.  Well, never fear...there are some proposed solutions on the very distant horizon that might help your wallet, and you've probably never heard of them, nor will you in any dimension of reality.  Ok maybe you should fear.  But hey its fun to dream right?  I know what you're thinking, and no Back to the Future's Mr. Fusion is not on the list.  But one of these ideas is actually used in the movie. 

To tip my hand a little, there are a couple I really like, but I'm having some trouble figuring out which one I prefer the most: dead cats or dirty diapers.  I don't like cats per se, though it is a stretch to say that I want them dead, but still...if I come across a dead feline, and I can use it to get me from point A to point B, then what's the problem?  Of course my question then becomes, "how does one get the cat into the gas tank?"  Obviously the options are not pleasant, and as such this idea does not appeal to me the most.  Dirty diapers, on the other hand, seem to be a better option simply because we have so many.  I could be the equivalent of an oil tycoon if scientists in their labs could only figure out how to cram those soaked and soiled diapers into the gas tanks of the world.  I would be a power broker in the worldwide dirty diaper market, throwing my weight around in politics, funding small revolutions, or providing clean drinking water to impoverished countries in exchange for large tracts of land on which to build more dirty diaper factories (which would look just like my house).  And who's to say that the dirty diaper smell won't become moderately appealing to some folks, like the gasoline smell we are all so familiar with?   Anyways, you've done the hard work of reading this far.  Now for the payoff (not in dirty diapers).

If you are a high profile target, be it drug dealer, politician, seedy owner of a strip club, bar, check cashing joint, coin operated car wash, or laundromat (or all of the above), CIA agent, CIA agent supporting a revolutionary upstart, deposed leader in (insert war torn country), simply have the stones to think you need protection from bullets, or if you live in Texas and are a democrat, then you might be interested in these websites that sell Armored vehicles. 

Interestingly enough, I didn't see options for machine gun mounting.  I guess the best offense is a good defense...but still...no machine guns? 

http://www.armoredcars.com/

http://www.alpineco.com/

http://www.armormax.com/

http://www.customarmoring.com/

http://www.execarmor.com/

Autoblogs Jonny Lieberman writes about something all too familiar in his Top 10 Interior Annoyances.  Check it out and see if you share any of the writer's ire. 

This will come in handy for your next road trip, be it cross country or hammering it out on the morning commute. 

Keep your blood pressure down, save gas, and be kind to the environment, all by watching this overly obvious video on How to Avoid Traffic Jams. 

 

It is rare these days that anything positive come out regarding the automotive industry, but the 2009 Dodge Ram is garnering multiple awards for its safety and design.  Along with the 2009 Challenger, the two were awarded truck of the year and car of the year awards by the Rocky Mountain Automotive Press Association.  "Both the Dodge Ram 1500 and the Dodge Challenger were decisive winners in this year’s competition,” said Michael Cotsworth, President of the association.  Read this article for more details.  

Ever seen a cyclist riding on top of a car?  Interested?  See here.

In the spirit of presidential vehicle investigation, I came across this presidential SUV, which apparently used to trail President Bush's motorcade.  Its not NEW news, but worth mentioning nonetheless, if nothing more than to give you an opportunity to see hot death emanating from the barrel of a mounted chaingun.  I hate war, violence, and the like, but man are machine guns cool.  Watch the video here and witness molten destruction.  This is something straight out of G.I. Joe. 

Some are pushing to have digital cameras installed on cabs in NYC.  One reason is driver accountability, something that not everyone is in favor of.  Says Bhairavi Desai, president of the Taxi Worker's Alliance, a drivers' advocacy group, "I thought in America the law was you're innocent until proven guilty," Desai said. "This would absolutely be an invasion of privacy. It's intrusive."  Not exactly sure what that means, because it seems that these cameras would help establish innocence or guilt.  It cuts both ways bubba.  In addition, I wonder if an employee of a company has the same privacy rights as individuals outside the work place.  If we were to take his argument at face value, then having surveillance cameras in, say a 7-11 or any retail store, would be an invasion of privacy as well.  That doesn't wash either, homeskillet.  Read the article here.